An elaborate credit introduction opens "Batman & Robin" with the names of the principal actors, the logos and the name of the movie flying around the screen to the beat Elliot Goldenthal's menacing score (similar to the opening of "Batman Forever"). We're then shown quick flashes of Bruce Wayne, AKA Batman (George Clooney), and Dick Grayoon, AKA Robin (Chris O'Donnell) suiting into their costumes and gathering their Bat gear. A couple of these shots include too-close-for-comfort extreme close-ups of the heroes' butts and anatomically-correct rubber suits. A few second later we're in the Bat Cave with the heroes ready to board their vehicles. Then this exchange takes place:

ROBIN: I want (to drive) the car. Chicks dig the car.

BATMAN: That's why Superman works alone.

"Batman & Robin" is less than three minutes old and, in an utter display of incompetence, the first few scenes have already lost the audience by reminding everyone of the covert homosexual undertones of the relationship between the older man (Bruce) and the young protégé (Dick) with whom he shares a really big house. If "Batman & Robin" had anything interesting to show or characters worth investing our attention and emotion into the audience would have soon forgotten about the silly introduction. But watching Dr. Victor Fries, AKA Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger), trot around in his cool car barking orders while shooting ice rays out of his gun and sending his minions to do his deeds by playing hockey on the floor of a frozen museum got boring really, really quick. A few minutes later Batman and Robin survive an outer space explosion and sky surf their way to another confrontation with Freeze in which the bad guy gets away with his loot by freezing Robin and making Batman choose between saving his partner's life or stopping the criminal. We know what the hero will do not only because of movie logic, but because Mr. Freeze actually says that's what Batman will do. Thanks Freeze, we as audience member that have been spoon-fed good-wins-over-bad plots since birth didn't see that one coming! L

The audience is still reeling from the sight of Batman and Robin's butts in the opening montage when it's thrown into the hippie and plant-loving world of Pamela Isley, AKA Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman). The result of an assassination attempt by a mad scientists colleague that happens to be experimenting next door with a weakling called Antonio Diego, AKA Bane (Jeep Swenson), Poison Ivy kills the man that made her what she is, takes Bane under her watch and blows up the place. Once in Gotham City Poison Ivy tries (as Pamela) to push her pro-environmental agenda to Bruce Wayne at the opening of his new diamond-powered observatory, and (as Poison Ivy) she tries to seduce Batman and Robin with her chemical powder at a charity event that the heroes have set-up to attract Freeze. The viewing public is still stuck thinking about the homo-erotic shots of the heroes' asses when Freeze shows-up, meets with Poison Ivy and eventually develops with her a mutual alliance in which they'll destroy Gotham City for their own personal reasons. Freeze as a revenge for the death of his wife at the hands of Batman and Robin (a clever trap set by Poison Ivy to have Freeze on the same page as her), and Poison Ivy because her deep-rooted love affair with plant life that she values considerably more than humans... blah, blah, blah!.

Then they happen. Three irreversible strikes in the telling of the story that absolutely block the audience's ability to forget about being shown the asses of the heroes. Number 1: Bruce calls his partner 'Dick', which on a normal movie would just be the nickname of the name 'Richard' but in this one turns into an unintentional laugh-out loud joke. Number 2: Alfred's niece Barbara Wilson, AKA Batgirl (Alicia Silverstone), steps into the lives of the main characters and stuns the crowds with her inability to act, look cool or have something even remotely close to a personality. Her scenes remind everyone watching "Batman & Robin" that they're watching a really terrible movie which, like Pavlovian dogs, makes the entire audience flashback to the ass shots of the opening. Heck, when Barbara finds her way into the Bat Cave and starts dressing-up in her Batgirl outfit there's ANOTHER TIGHT CLOSE-UP OF A RUBBER SUIT ASS. Number 3: Bruce Wayne calls Dick 'Dick' again toward the end of the movie. That's it, the homo-erotic trauma of the ass shots got carried all the way to end of the movie's 125 minutes. The end. Say, have you seen the movie "Conspiracy Theory" on cable lately? J

Tim Burton departed from the producer's chair he sat on for the abominable "Batman Forever" when "Batman & Robin" rolled around in 1997, which makes this the first (and last) installment of the franchise that was done without any collaboration whatsoever from the behind-the-scenes filmmakers that worked in the first two films. Believe me, it shows! Akiva Goldsman, the Academy Award-winning screenwriter of this year's Best Picture winner "A Beautiful Mind", wrote this mess of a screenplay that tosses character development, complex human emotions and silly humor at the wall some of it sticks to the film. I guess we know now what producers didn't know then: Goldsman writes great screenplays about mentally-ill people, NOT great screenplays with stupid super heroes that talk/act/behave like if they're suffering from mental illness. Unrestrained and allowed full reign of a $100+ million budget, director Joel Schumacher crams the screen with flashy editing, comedic sound effects, noise, CG effects and the most anatomically-correct suits ever designed for a super hero movie (and no, that is NOT a good thing). Love it or hate it this is a comic book movie that has impressive set designs, outstanding photography, great special effects (no wires!) and a sense of style that pushes the "Batman Forever" look as far as it can be pushed with human characters.

Unfortunately all the energy and special effects in the world (which "Batman & Robin" seem to have) can't create fear, anguish or pity from an audience that isn't given good guys worth rooting for or criminals charismatic-enough to make their outlandish destruction plans compelling. Arnold Schwarzenegger's Mr. Freeze could have been a tragic figure in the same wavelength as The Penguin's Oswald Cobblepot; Dr. Victor Fries' backstory about his wife's illness, which the movie explores at a skin-deep level, is dripping with potential for moral heartbreak. Instead Arnie becomes a violent and unfunny stand-up comedian that utters one inane one-liner ('The Iceman Cometh') after another ('If revenge is a dish best served cold then put on your Sunday finest') after another ('Freeze in hell Batman!') and so on and so forth. Uma Thurman's Poison Ivy is by far the weakest and least-interesting villain of all the live-action movies, especially when she engages in pseudo-sexual, pro-environmental psycho monologues that make Michelle Pfeiffer's similar scenes in "Batman Returns" seem like Shakesperean theater by comparison. Jeep Swenson's Bane (R.I.P.) fits the comic book persona rather well, but that's not hard to do when the former wrestler's muscles are being asked to do all the acting for him.

George Clooney does a serviceable and rather unmemorable Bruce Wayne, but at least his scenes with Alfred are a touching reminder of their father-son relationship. As Batman though he's asked to perform moronic shtick that's out of place with what audiences have been led to expect from the character (like pulling a freaking credit card out of his suit to outbid Robin for the pleasure of Poison Ivy's company). Clooney becomes another freak in a costume instead of a tragic human figure wearing a mask, a part that Michael Keaton nailed down perfectly and Val Kilmer emulated rather well. Ditto for Chris O'Donnell's Robin character, which deprived of the revenge motive of "Batman Forever" becomes just a younger and more impulsive version of the Dark Knight that drives a cool bike instead of a car. The prize for most underutilized and least-interesting female character of all the "Batman" movies has got to go to Elle McPherson's Julie Madison, who is seen in Bruce Wayne's presence as his alleged girlfriend for a couple of scenes and then is never heard from, seen or talked about again.

Last and certainly least there's Alicia Silverstone's Batgirl/Barbara Wilson. She steals the oxygen in every scene she appears in... from the stench of her nauseating non-acting persona, her stale delivery and from viewers holding their breath in disbelief at how miscast and bland she comes across. Holy career-going-in-a-downward-spiral-after-appearing-in-your-movie Batman! The scene where the heroes meet Batgirl for the first time at Poison Ivy's hideout ranks as the series' darkest hour (no pun intended) in terms of acting, script-writing and directing. Yes, even worse than the ridiculous ass shots, Robin yelling 'Cowabunga' and Catwoman sticking electrical juice into Max Shreck. Put yourself in this scenario: you're Batman (i.e. older man) and you discover that your butler's niece (i.e. troubled young girl) has broken into your Bat Cave (i.e. apartment's secret closet) and made herself some fancy rubber outfits (i.e. S&M gear) to hang around you and your young companion (i.e. gay lover). How would you react?

J To give the devil its due credit though, Akiva Goldsman's screenplay and Joel Schumacher's direction weave into the main narrative of the movie a sub-plot that gives Michael Gough's Alfred Pennyworth character more depth and screen time than the other "Batman" installments. "Batman & Robin" pauses its insane and unfocused roller-coaster of freaky bad guys and outrageous stunts every once in a while. In those brief moments of calm we watch Alfred's potentially-deadly illness force him to reminisce with the other residents of Wayne Manor. These are the movie's shining moments, which glow as bright as a comet illuminating the dark side of the moon (i.e. the rest of the movie's flawed existence). Even Pat Hingle's Commissioner Gordon character is given more things to do this time around like saving the lives of his men when Mr. Freeze sets up a trap in his laboratory, or be seduced by Poison Ivy's chemical floating hypnotic thingie (whatever) into revealing to her the location of the Bat Signal. Two outstanding supporting performances by the two best actors in the movie, however, aren't good-enough to prevent "Batman & Robin" from being as bad and retarded as the most stupid episodes from the Adam West TV show. Worst big budget super hero movie ever made? No, but close.